I write a private blog for Lucia, called Letters to Lucia, where I share thoughts on milestones with her. I plan on having it bound into a book and giving it to her when she is 18. I thought I'd share today's letter on what Sept. 11, 2001 was like for me. I was single and living in Annapolis.
I cried and grieved today for the lives lost and for our innocence as a country lost. I will never forget.
Dear Lucia,
Today is the 10th anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001. The day that changed America forever. I'm writing this to share my memories of the day but to also tell you a little bit about what life before 09/11/01 was like.
That morning, I was at work at the Maryland Department of Natural Resources. I worked on the fourth floor in a cubicle in the Communications office. There was this particularly annoying woman named Natosha James. She came over and said a plane hit the World Trade Center in New York. I figured she was just saying stuff, you know, that she didn't know what she was talking about. My second thought was that it was some freak accident where a small plane just had an accident. I went down the hall to my boss' office -- Chuck Porcari, and we turned on his ancient television and saw the tower on fire, smoke billowing out of it. A few minutes later, we saw the other plane fly right into the other tower. On live TV. I'm sure by the time you read this you can find those videos online, and I assure you, it was just as horrific as it looks on video. It was surreal - it looked fake. I remember we all panicked. I called my mom (your mimi) and said, the first tower just collapsed. Then we heard the state capital building (in Maryland) was being evacuated. On the news they urged people to go donate blood -- there was a ticker at the bottom of the screen asking -- so I immediately went to the hospital to donate blood. I'm terrible at donating blood; I faint every single time. I always figured it was a blood sugar issue, i.e. not eating anything afterwards. So this time I ate 2 full sandwiches and cookies. It didn't help: afterwards, I went outside and was walking to my car when I suddenly felt the urge to lay down immediately on the sidewalk. I called my friend Marshall, who told me a group of people were meeting up at Heroes, a great little bar in West Annapolis. The name of it now seems so ironic. We sat there eating dinner and watching the news footage over and over again.
The next day, I didn't want to go to work; I walked Mrs. Baylee, and saw fighter jets soaring overhead. They made me feel safe. I read the stories and accounts of survivors and horrifically, the victims' last phone calls, last words. It made me so sad that I never heard last words from my dad or sister. I laid on the couch watching the news coverage and crying.
I didn't know anyone who was killed that day. My mom knew someone at work who's son was a flight attendant. His name was Robert Fangman. My mom noted that he was gay and young. At his funeral they played the song, I hope you dance. I still cry when I hear that song.
I had just started graduate school at the University of Maryland, and our class I think was either that night or the next day; it wasn't cancelled. It was a philosophy of public policy class, so it was totally relevant to the state of the world and our shaken country. We went around the room and just talked about how we felt about the whole thing. Several of us wanted someone to pay for this; we wanted retribution. (I admit I absolutely did. I also admit feeling a sense of relief and pride this May learning that Osama bin Laden was no longer on this planet.) It was strange way to start grad school for public policy, that's for sure.
Since 9-11-01, my love, life has really changed. Before then, you could take a flight with just a driver's license and ticket. I remember when I lived in Baltimore and Mary lived in Providence, I'd fly up there for $88 round trip for a long weekend. That was in 1998-2000. Since then flying has become a huge hassle, with taking off your shoes and walking through the endless lines of security.
There's always a sense of danger lurking now; it's like that day we not only lost so many Americans, we also lost our innocence. Or maybe we just woke up to it. Prior to that day, I remember hearing about the attack in Yemen and thinking it was some freak radical group. Now we all know the top leaders of Al Qaeda and exactly how far it can reach. I saw a sign on the subway the other day that said Be Aware, If something looks suspicious let people know. You didn't see that before Sept. 11. You didn't report strangely unattended bags in public places. You didn't fear flying. You didn't wonder what freedom really means and how slippery a term it can be. We are still free in the larger sense, but I do think on some small level Al Qaeda won in taking some of our individual liberties and peace of mind. We are not as free as we were. What I mean by that is we are not free of the cares and concerns and understanding of the complexities of international terrorism. Before Sept. 11, Israel and Palestine and their civil unrest was considered horrifying and both literally and figuratively, on the other side of the world. Out of our cares and consciousness. Now it's more of a reality; it could happen. It did happen, on Sept. 11.
I worry that as more time passes, you won't ever understand the magnitude of Sept. 11 and what it meant for our country. It changed our nation forever. In the days afterwards, we banded together, picked ourselves up from the dust, and soldiered on. It was a prideful time, but under that pride was undeniable terror. I felt that pride again when President Obama was elected and inaugurated. I pray that I never -- and my God, that you never, have to live through that kind of terror again. I also hope that I never, ever forget.
I love you,
Your mom
