Blessed

We recently joined our church and were thrilled when they were able to schedule Espen's baptism for when my mom was still here so that she could be a part of it. By happenstance, Mary and David happened to be in town this weekend too, which was great because Mary is Espen's godmother, [although the Presbyterian church doesn't really do godparents.]. My brother Josh also came up, and served as Espen's unofficial but official in our eyes godfather. Mary's brother John was also in town with them, so he came too. Fun! Anyway, yesterday was the day. Earlier in the week my mom and I headed to Walnut Creek to get Lucia and Espen outfits off the sale rack at the pricey kid's store. We were thrilled to find a dress for Lucia and ensemble for Espen that matched. Our church is pretty laid back so we didn't go the seersucker suit route. I forgot to get a shot of Espen in his ensemble alone; I may have to put it back on him today. It was a 0-3 months sized and GIGANTIC on him. Oh well. He still looked adorable.

We are lucky to have an incredible church that fosters nuturing and caring for us; I've been amazed at the outpouring of support and love from them as we've greeted Espen into this world. Our minister Beth was at the hospital when Espen was born (and prayed with us prior to the C-section) and the first person besides Pete to hold him. We think she is the bees knees.

Afterwards we had an easy brunch at our house with Mary, David, their two kids and Mary's brother. It was a super special day. We're so thankful our family and friends could be a part of it.

First Meeting

This video is so sweet it's hard for me to watch; my heart wants to burst with emotion around it. Enjoy.



Lucia Meets Espen For The First Time from Pete Hansen on Vimeo.

Mimi

Mimi went home today. I don't know that I can express how helpful she was during her month-long stay here. We agreed last night, that it was definitely strange that when she got here I was still pregnant and last night we looked at Espen and marveled at him hitting developmental milestones and fill out with baby fat.

My mom completely took the reigns when it came to Lucia's care, making her feel special and loved while we were uh, occupied. Since she and Lucia were roommates and are both morning people, I'd hear them in the mornings giggling and plotting the day's activities. I left detailed instructions, which were rather complex and intimidating, for her (and my stepdad, when he was here that first week) to get her to school each day, which they dutifully followed. She packed lunches. She cleaned. She developed a system for doing dishes that made me actually want to do dishes (quite an accomplishment). She vacuumed every day. She supported me when I wanted to reach postpartum milestones like going to a kid's birthday party with Lucia and Espen (and her of course), and driving 80 miles each way to go to Sacramento for a haircut.

Those things were enormously helpful but more than that? She got up with me when Pete went back to work. I'd open the door and whisper, can you help me? And she rallied. We developed a system and got to know Espen's likes and dislikes. Espen's sleep schedule, obviously, is still wackadoodle, so we were sometimes up every hour. Every hour. There were some nights (ok, like one) where I wanted to let her sleep and see if I could handle feeding Espen, then pumping, then feeding him more, then getting us back to bed. I gained some confidence at handling things on my own, but let's face it, was exhausted the next day. It was essential to have an extra set of hands around the house in general, could you get me a bottle? Burp cloth? Could you hold him while I take a shower, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wolf down breakfast? We joked that June 1 seemed like a perfectly reasonable day for her to go home. She was touched when Pete chimed in that we weren't kidding. Like, seriously, STAY.

I am not sure how I'll manage during the week without her, but I guess the time for her to go home was going to come eventually. She has a very, very full life at home to get back to. I remember when my grandparents retired and it seemed like they just hung out a lot. My parents' generation doesn't hang out; they schedule and fill their lives with tons of fun stuff. She and my stepdad have activities -- fun activities, like basketball games, dinners out, theater, trips with friends, every single day. They rarely have downtime. So I'm happy for her that she gets to get back to that.

It's weird thinking about this phase of Espen's birth being over; as he comes up on four weeks old, it's strange to think of that portion of his life -- the very early weeks and his birth, that part is now behind us. I still can't believe he's here, he's ours and we get to keep him. We also noted that this time with Espen will never come again; Mimi and Espen always have a special bond because of this time they shared. She knew him when, you know?

Thanks Mimi for all that you did. We'll never be able to thank you enough for your help.

Howdy

The Breastfeeding Update

(yawn as I'm pumping)

So. The breastfeeding update. Since little man had his tongue clipped, we've had tons of progress, which is pretty amazing. I can't believe it was only a week ago that he had his tongue clipped. 

I watched him after that day when I would try to nurse, and realized the lactation consultant was right: he was probably not going to learn to nurse unless the milk came really fast for him, i.e I was going to have to try the SNS again. I sat with that for a day or so, and summoned my courage to try it again. I emailed the lactation consultant for her best advice to make it less overwhelming/terrible, and followed her instructions, the most important of which was to only try a set amount of times, i.e. three, per day.

Saturday was our first try. Lauren came over that morning, so it was helpful to have her literally cheering from the sidelines and to help with positioning Mr. Man. He tried for about 5 minutes on the SNS, then became frustrated. I told myself it was a practice session and not to worry, to keep moving forward. The next time, he stayed on even longer. And he's been doing better and better each time since then. We try three times a day, sometimes he gets frustrated easily, but he keeps trying (and so do I), and we are learning how to do this together. 

Fast forward to last night and with the arrival of the new nursing pillow from Lauren (she is a GEM) to help me position him so I'm not killing my back every time: I put him on the pillow, put on the small nursing shield, and away he went, nursing like crazy for 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. And the best part? He's learning how to pull down milk. While he has "nursed" off and on for 20 minutes before but wasn't pulling milk from me; now he's learning to suck properly and he's getting more milk. It's not perfect, and he required bottle feedings before and after this, but I'm taking it as a huge HYOOOOOOGE victory. 

Huge. (Pauses for applause)

Breastfeeding is something I've felt so strongly about doing; I didn't have any energy around other things related to Espen's birth, but breastfeeding is something I really want to get and do. It's so awesome to feel like the hard work he and I have both put into it may be finally coming to fruition. 

Also noteworthy: I discovered the lactation consultant was spot-on in her assessment of my at-home pump. My travel pump is the most expensive on the market, so I figured it was the best. It's what I used when I was endlessly losing my mind trying to pump milk for Lucia and what I planned on using when I go back to work in July (and I now know why my supply tanked). For everyday use I'm currently renting a hospital-grade pump and have been really happy with it. However, we went to Sacramento yesterday for my biannual haircut and I had to bring the travel pump. I pumped twice and realized it pulled way less milk from me than it should, like 40% less. Wow. I pumped twice yesterday while we were away and came home to the hospital grade pump to drain the rest. As she suggested, I'll be purchasing a used Pump In Style pump on Craigslist (I have the tubing and everything else) and selling the Freestyle in turn. 

So tired and heat wave

It was super hot today in the Bay Area: 83! We took a nap together on the sofa. It was the best part of the day.

Grow Little Man!

Espen has grown nearly 2 inches since his birth and is now weighing around 8 lbs! He's doing really great, the docs say. He peed all over me at the appointment today but otherwise not much to report.

Little Angel

Well, that may be a stretch but if you're wondering how Lucia is adjusting to baby brudder, she's doing great! So great I'm worried I'll jinx it if I write about it. She's very very loving with Espen and wants to kiss him a hundred times a day. She "comforts" him by singing in an overly high-pitched, ear bleeding tone but otherwise is super cute with him. She has been super helpful to me, getting me blankets and pacifiers when I ask and overall being a huge help. We hope it continues - crossed fingers!

More pics

Not much to report over here: same ol same ol. Espen is so so cute and we are enjoying snuggling with him.

Mission Accomplished

Espen is no longer tongue tied! The procedure took maybe a minute and he cried for maybe 10 seconds. The doctor was really nice. I talked with our lactation consultant tonight and she said today is like the first day he was born: he has to learn how to breastfeed. We are so hopeful. Here's a pic of him right before we went in.

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

We have various updates but I can't seem to form coherent sentences. The sleep deprivation is setting in; Pete is back to work and my mom is up with me in the middle of the night. I pump milk; she feeds Espen. Typically he makes it every three hours, but lately it's just been two, so pardon us if we fall asleep mid-sentence. 

On the docket for tomorrow: naps. Lots of naps. 

We went to an awesome private lactation consultant yesterday. She said Espen is tongue tied. He will have a simple procedure tomorrow to have it fixed and then he will learn how to properly suck. Basically babies learn in utero how to work their tongue, but tongue tied babies don't. So for the next two weeks it's Operation Sucky Times, which I mean both sarcastically and literally. He'll learn how to suck with exercises we have for him and we have to feed him with a starter SNS. I'll let you google that and read the instructions. Yesterday's first try left me evaluating exactly which bottle of red wine I'd be consuming with a straw. Let's just say we'll both be getting used to the concept. 

But we're hopeful. And mostly tired. Yep, mostly tired. 

Things That ARE Going Right

The kid is still not latching. I'm starting to get discouraged, to be honest. Although it's tough to know with hormones and sleep deprivation what is what at this point. For example, I'm currently pumping milk and need to pump for 20 minutes. I have no idea how long I've been pumping; I always make a conscious effort to look at the clock when I start, but today I can't remember what time it was. So. Yeah. 

I'm heading to the private (read: $$) lactation consultant on Tuesday morning. I went back and forth on this; Kaiser provides lactation consultants and we went to them last week. They suggested like eight things to try and nothing has really worked, although we're not sliding backwards or anything, he's just still not latching. Lauren came over yesterday and showed me how Espen isn't latching on the Adiri bottle, and made some minor adjustments to help him latch and VOILA, he was on that bottle and draining it in minutes (instead of an hour of struggling with us). This made me realize it could be just a minor tweak we need to do to get him latched on the breast. Crossed fingers. 

Still, I thought it would be helpful here to list the things that ARE going right with little man:

1. The 10-14 day growth spurt: we've hit it. The kid drank almost four ounces of breastmilk in one sitting the other day. FOUR. Good god. He's hopefully gaining weight like a champ. Yay! 

2. He's sleeping at night. What I mean is, when we feed him during the day, he wants to hang out and wake up and look around and practice lifting his head off our chests, etc. At night he's all business; feed him and he generally goes right back to sleep. We're thankful for this and keenly aware this may not last. I remember asking Lucia when she was really little whyyyyy are you awake in the middle of the night?

3. I'm making milk like a champ. Fenugreek and the hospital-grade pump have helped tremendously, along with tons of water. 

4. He does not have colic. Can I get an amen? Lucia's colic was so so awful. Espen seems really straightforward, although super cranky the two times I've had citrus, so I've eliminated it. I've also eliminated dairy just in case it upsets him; it upsets me anyway so it wasn't that hard. 

5. I am off pain medication, which means I'm less tired, more alert, and more myself. Hallelujah. 

That's all I can think of now, but that's a pretty good list! I'm feeling better about things. I think my time is up pumping too. :) 

A few new pics

Congested

Mr. Man has been congested the past two nights so we've set him up in the mamaroo next to the humidifier and air purifier. Here he is accompanied by the glow of the orange night light.

Good morning!

Got Milk?

I feel like lactation consultants should serve wine; it would really help with the anxiety of going in and the whole milk let-down thing. We went to a new consultant today here in Oakland and it went well, aside from having no magic answer or solution to get him to latch and stay latched. As I've mentioned, he will latch for a few seconds, then off, then on, then off, then on then off. Then he cries because he's hungry/frustrated. He does this with other bottles, pacifiers but not with our fingers. There's strong suction there with our fingers; just not particularly with bottles.

For the appointment today, we brought all of our gear, told them how the past six days have gone, and showed them what happens when we try to nurse. They were very helpful and had some suggestions to try for now, but the big thing they want to rule out is a mouth/swallowing thing, just in case. He doesn't appear to be tongue tied, but they want a specialist to make the call. I have to call for that appointment, likely next week.

They said I was doing a great job of staying positive. :D I said, well compared to Lucia, this time is a breeze, and he's so close to getting it, so I'm not too worried. They suggested feeding him smaller amounts more often so that he is not HANGRY by the time we try to nurse, try more skin-to-skin time, and only try for 10 minutes at a time. This is what I've read consistently but does differ slightly from what we've tried before; it's exhausting and so upsetting to try for longer and I don't want him to develop an association with nursing = struggle.

They also said my milk supply (we've been charting every time I pump) is impressive for six days postpartum. I'll start fenugreek capsules (oh joy) to increase my supply even more.

We remain hopeful. He's super close to getting it; Pete, my mom and I think it's a developmental thing where he just needs to grow a bit more. He's only six days old, the lactation consultants agreed today.

Stay tuned!

Five More Minutes

Tell us about it, little man. :)

Feeding Baby Brudder

One thing Lucia really wanted to do the most with Baby Brudder was feed him at the hospital. Behold her dreams coming true. :)

And on the Fourth Day

Is it four or five? I dunno. It's the sleep deprivation. We came home last night, and hooboy it was great to sleep in our own bed. I slept like a ROCK which was amazing, despite Espen being up at 11:30, 1:30, 2:45 3:30 and 5:45.

Over the weekend his weight dropped too much and the docs and nurses were worried, so we gave him some formula. While my breastmilk was starting to come in (early, hooray), little man is still struggling to latch, so he wasn't getting enough food. We were feeding him everything I pumped, but obviously it wasn't enough. There were some tears over that, but honestly at that point in the game, Pete and I were legitimately hallucinating from lack of sleep. I woke up and despite not being able to make decisions about anything, had a lot of clarity around it. Good moms give their babies food, my girlfriend had just reminded me that day, and I said that to the nurse. Get him formula and we will still hope for the best with getting him on the breast. The deal with that is, we think it might be a developmental thing because he struggles with putting his tongue down and sucking on everything: a regular bottle nipple, a pacifier, etc. So we think it might be a tongue/coordination thing. He's pretty close to getting it. But it makes feeding time a multi-step process, which considering everything, is not that bad. Until then, I'll continue to pump milk. His weight was up today at his first check up with the pediatrician, and the doc was impressed he rebounded so quick. Hooray!

My recovery has been incredibly easy compared to last time. Incredibly easy and straightforward. I did a lot of reading in preparation for the C-section and know not to push myself too much (which is admittedly hard for me) in order to be back on my feet faster. Tonight my big goal is to walk the hallway a few times.

Pete and I are trading off when we each get a solid chunk of sleep and we typically each get a 2-3 hour uninterrupted, bring on the earplugs, no questions asked nap each day, which is ESSENTIAL to not feeling like we're going to lose our minds.

Off to try to feed little man and get ready for our next 2-3 hour shift of sleeping and feeding.

Headed Home

We are headed home. I'm nervous about having our awesome nurses around but happy to be able to have a hot shower at home and "sleep" in my own bed.

Little update

Mr. Man continues to struggle to latch with breastfeeding. They said he's very stubborn; we have no idea where he gets that. We had planned to go home today but he's lost too much weight so we think we are staying put. Here's some pictures.

Warm, floppy and squeaky

Day 1 and 2 has been quite intense, in ways I didn't expect.

Day 1 was filled with nervousness and expectations that soon gave way to relief and joy. We are very thankful for the love and support we received, Mimi and pastor Beth was with us and prepared us for the big event and it was clear from the start this was going to be a very different day than four and a half years ago.

The procedure went very much according to plan and I think a great deal of tension was lifted that day through that. It seems like a blur afterwards. 

We were given a new room upstairs with a great view of Redwood City, green and lush from winter rain, and with a steady stream of visiting family and friends we were to busy to be tired. However, on days like this it is easy or difficult to find time to eat, so our good friends Gina and Zack brought us delicious chicken dinner and salad, and even homemade coffee in the morning! 

Magic moment number two on day one that day was when Lucia met her new baby brother for the first time. She was very excited and could not be more happy. She happily washed her hands but was at first a bit hesitant, not sure if she could touch him, or where. Soon she asked if she could hold him, and she loved that too, for a little bit. I think she was surprised to see how floppy and squeaky he was, but she also showed much concern for him, and she jumped to sooth him when he started crying or fuzzing. She will be a great big sister!

The first night was as good as one can expect, none of us got much sleep, but we managed to get a few hours it seems between the fuzzy times. There wasnt much to do besides rocking him or renew his swaddle. And this, turns out, is what day two was much about; getting him to latch and feed. But more about that tomorrow.

More...

Breastfeeding is getting better. Hopeful for more than 1 hour of sleep tonight.

He's Here

What an amazing day. A few pictures for you.