"I hate you when you hit me"

Lucia declared to Pete last night. We've learned with age 3 these kind of silly, half-truth statements are part of the boundary pushing. But this statement left us both a little rattled, since uh, we have never hit her (we don't even spank). So we went to talk to her teacher to find out of maybe she had heard it at school. The answer is yes, our teacher confirmed. Apparently the troubled kid frequently says that. Which, I mean, 1000 sadfaces for that kid. Pete and I talked about it after and wondered if she was in a foster situation. If so, kudos to those parents. If not, even more sadfaces. We have heard before that this little girl got a "rough start" so we're not sure what that means, but I'm pretty sure after this morning's confirmation that  she was beaten. My heart hurts for this little girl and the promise of what she could have become, and the impact the abuse will have on her for the rest of her life. She won't be at our school next week: Monday is her last day. Obviously, she won't be terrorizing other kids like Lucia anymore, but she also won't have the experience of such an awesome preschool. AT the risk of sounding like a trite PSA, this is how abuse leaves a lifetime impact on a child. These are the ramifications of having a child struggle with displacement, a term I unfortunately had to learn about when Lucia was being hit by her. I'm hopeful that this kid will go onto another school where she can get the interaction she desperately needs and that her rough start doesn't become a rough childhood. 

Her last day is Monday; after the hitting situation this little girl brought a card to Lucia, so I think we'll make her a card this weekend to say goodbye and good luck. 

Evaluation

We had Lucia's preschool evaluation this morning. I thankfully forgot about it until yesterday, so I couldn't max out on anxiety about it (though I did manage to get a lot  little nervous). We came in and sat at the teeny table and chairs with her teacher Christina. All good news to report; Lucia is doing fantastic and acclimating more and more. Christina did suggest that she could use more support in finding her voice with friends. Apparently she, Piper and Mia play a game called "Kitty," and often make Lucia be the baby kitty and she reluctantly goes along, but then Christina intervenes on behalf of her and asks her to tell her friends what she wants. It echoes some of the things we've encountered at home, and where we've really been working with her. She also suggested routine charts (already on it! CHECK!) for at home to show her what comes next, as they'll be introducing those to her school so the kids can know what to expect from their day and what happens next.

The other good news is the kid who was hitting her will no longer be at that school; the administrators and parents have agreed that she needs more one-on-one support that our school can't give her. While we are confident that the hitting stopped a while ago; a few weeks ago this kid was making tons of racket during nap time and Lucia refused to go to sleep, which indicated to me that she was still scared of her. :( 

Overall, she absolutely loves school, and we are thrilled with how she's progressing the quality of her care there. Yay!

Bragging Moment

Ok, so you know we've been trying our hardest to use the Positive Discipline principles when dealing with Lucia's latest uh, Lucia-ness, we'll call it. Today, for instance, she deliberately punched me in the eye when I told her she had to eat some chicken sausage before she had any more strawberries. Awesome. And there was the time she drew blood after biting Pete (twice). After all of these instances, we have stressed over and over that being physical is not the way to work things out when you're angry or frustrated. That we can always talk about our feelings and work things out. 

So at preschool today apparently two boys got into a bit of a scuffle that turned physical. The teachers broke them apart, then sat everyone in a circle to talk about what happened. They asked, does anyone know what is one way to deal with problems besides fighting and getting physical? No one answered. Except a little blonde girl we all know and love, who raised her hand (!) and said, "we can talk about it." 

I don't brag often, but that's our girl. That's our little girl. We done right. 

She's Better

We finally figured out that going back and forth between her new school and daycare (alternating days) was stressing Little Missy right out. So we switched days to make our week consist of Mon, Tues at daycare and the rest of the week at her new school. It seems like it's really helping. She's done with her daycare at the end of the month, and while we've liked them, we're happy she'll be going to one place, especially because she loves her school so much. Kids help you see things through their eyes: it all makes sense now; having too much change was scary for her; it's scary for all of us. 

Acting Out

Well, we figured out what Lucia's deal was. It dribbled out slowly last weekend, but eventually she told us that another girl at school was hitting her. It was a really emotional week overall but those first few days were particularly nail-biting, as we wondered what would happen. Would the school deny it? Would they act immediately? We went in Monday to discuss with the teachers and they said they knew this little girl often went after girls her age, especially if they were new. They have named this little girl the teacher's helper, so that she learns empathy and also is under supervision at all times. But still, one teacher told us she had seen this girl hit Lucia twice and had talked with her about consequences. The other teacher told us that she was going to make it her mission to buddy up with Lucia so she felt like she had an ally to talk to in school if anything was wrong. That night as we picked her up, the founder lifted up the other little girl and had her blow kisses to Lucia. When we got home we did a few role playing exercises where the three of us got a turn to be the aggressor, Lucia and the teacher. I think it was helpful for her. I'm happy to report that both Lucia's and this other girl's behavior has improved quite a bit.

But it hasn't been without some hard work on our part. We agreed at the start of last weekend that structure was key and we delved into our new Positive Discipline book to give us tips on specific situations and how to approach them. We also gave her tons of choices in the hopes the books were right and it would make her feel empowered. 48 hours later, she was able to tell us what was going on at school, so I feel like it was worth it. We got the general sense that she wasn't feeling safe, so I'm comforted that she was able to talk to us once we buckled down the structure. Sometimes I feel like we actually know what we're doing.

Aside from the two times she bit Pete this week and drew blood, we've seen an improvement in her behavior. We had a long talk about the biting and associated hitting we've seen and how all emotions are normal and healthy and that hitting and biting are not OK. MAN it's hard to not get mad when stuff like that happens. But we agree it's really important to be consistent in our approach, so here we are.

I have to say I was also really impressed and appreciated the effort the school made to reach out to the other girl, and give her the tools to express herself in a non-violent way. She's a sweet girl otherwise, but apparently had a rough start. I sat with her at the party the school had on Wednesday to celebrate the newly potty trained kids and clapped for her and congratulated her when they called her name. And yesterday Lucia brought home a card from her with stickers on it that she had made just for Lucia. So sweet.

We also gave notice at our daycare this week, so that Lucia can better assimilate into the new school. We think going back and forth (school MWF, daycare T-Th) has been confusing for her. April 3 she'll start full time at her new school. We're excited/relieved/hopeful.

Milo and Lucia's new friends

When we picked up Lucia tonight at her new school, we got to meet some of the other parents and her new friends. There's Draw-shoo-ah (Joshua), Piper, Maven and Mia. Apparently Piper, Maven and Lucia are best buds and hold hands a lot. Today they made a baby hospital and took care of the babies, who clearly needed their care. Also, Milo apparently carries Lucia's lunch for her when they go to get them each day. How hilarious is that? He grabs his, then puts her lunchbox on top of his. 

She is LOVING her new school and meeting her new friends. We're really excited.

More Pictures of the New Preschool

These are from Facebook, so you won't see Lucia in any of these pics. Still, behold that backyard.

New daycare visit

Lucia and I paid a visit to the new day care this afternoon to check things out and meet her new teachers and new friends. Lucia was very excited about this and asked all the way over if this was the way to her new day care.

She seemed a little shy, especially with the older kids, around 4 years old, but she enjoyed it quite a bit when they started making a "bridge" out of some planks and wooden blocks and pretended this was going somewhere, or when they rearranged it to become an airplane going to San Francisco.

A little boy, probably 2.5 years old came running to me as soon as I got there and grabbed my legs, the teacher told me he did this to all men.. Endearing and bitter sweet.

We also got to go inside in the main room where they had put a name tag on her cubby on so she can hang her clothes, keep her lunch box and sleeping bag.

She will start next Monday but only go for half a day first and then have her first full day Wednesday.

Preschool

I was, well I guess I could speak for Pete here and say that we were, not the type of parents to get super amped up about preschool. I've heard horror stories of the application process and having to have your kid be evaluated to make sure they have the right temperament,and having to go through multiple screenings and to me anyway, it just reeked of some sorority pledging process (and I say that as a former sorority girl) with snotty teachers and even snottier parents.

Meaning: we were just not interested. Lucia was blissfully happy at her daycare, which is run by a former preschool teacher. 

But as her little mind has developed in the past few months, we've watched her be able to -- and really enjoy -- recollecting the details of her day, the previous day/night, going over the sequence of her day, and bringing more and more art projects home. It's been awesome. We also found out that the oldest kid at her daycare (who is only older by 3 weeks) was going to preschool 2 mornings a week, which meant Lucia only had little babies and a 2-year-old to hang with. Which isn't devastating, I know, but maybe not ideal for her little mind. I also have to fully disclose that I was painfully jealous of the feedback that Mary and David got about Danny, and most importantly, the feedback about things they could do at home to encourage his development. Man. I wish we had that with our daycare. It just seemed like she needed more of a push, and was maybe outgrowing her existing daycare.

So we started thinking about it. My obsessive research skills came in super handy, as I was able to narrow our search down to preschools that were 1. highly rated by other parents, 2. close by and 3. offered all-day care. With Pete's schedule being insane and me tied to my desk, a half-day/morning shuffle 2-3 days a week wouldn't work for us. The shortlist was made, and emails were sent. To our surprise, a Reggio-Emilia/Waldorf/Montessori-inspired (which makes me want to roll my eyes just writing it, I know) school was offering a tour yesterday. We brought Lucia along, and hilariously, on the drive over she declared that she loved the school (before she had seen it). Classic Lucia. 

We arrived, and were basically blown away. The place is so freaking cute; we sat on teeny chairs and watched the "acorns" which is Lucia's age group, do a sing along and learn how to sit in a circle. Apparently, impulse control is a huge deal for a three-year-old (we both nearly slapped our foreheads: so that's why we have to tell her to please be patient so often), so sitting in a circle and waiting your turn is uh, a skill they have to learn (Look, we never said we were early childhood education specialists!). We watched that for a while, then went to continue the tour but Lucia didn't want to go. She wanted to stay and watch the kids. So cute. We looked at the nap area and learned about the snack time (which is served family style with the teachers sitting at the table) and toured the "pinecones" room, which is where the 4-year-olds are. 

Then we went outside, and nearly fainted from the awesomeness. First? They have two goats and chickens that the kids get to "care" for. They have an outdoor play kitchen made of stone and wood (!), huge garden, and composting and gardening is one of the activities they do. There's a slide and an old wooden boat for the kids to play in, and other types of activities for them to get into. Lucia immediately asked, can I go play? Of course, kid. Apparently the place was designed by the owner/founder to maximize learning through movement and activity. Um. Yes. Each month they learn about a different artist or classical musician, dance, yoga, creative problem solving and making dream boxes. 

We walked back to the car grinning ear to ear. We found a preschool for her! She'll start in March and will go three days a week, and remain the other two days at her current daycare.We're thrilled, and I guess we're now those parents who care about preschool. Funny how things look different from the other side.